I have a sticky relaitonship with need.
I feel I am not alone with this hurt, this ache, this tendernss, and this confusion.
There is so much judgement, particularly in the spiritual arena, around need and attachment.
Somehow—though we come from another being's body and cannot survive without it—we are supposed to become these beings who want and need for nothing and that is the epitome of spiritual evolution.
Well, fuck that!
We are here to share, to speak, to listen, to touch, and to care. This is the core of connection. This is the heart of growth. This what it means to be human.
It's not always easy. It's not always clear. We will, inevitably, stumble and fumble our way through these attempts at connection, at communication.
At the core of all attempts at communication—skillful or not—is our desire to see and be seen, to be heard and to listen, to hold and be held, and to feel with another human being.
This is a primal, practical, and spiritual need.
There is nothing more vulnerable than baring our needs to another human being. And therein arises our triggers.
It's a loaded word, often confused with neediness and lumped into codependence, yet, we all have them—needs.
Feel it on your tongue.
Is it sweet, bitter, salty, sour. Is it bland? Have you shut your needs down, given them away, locked them in the basement of your own subconscious?
Does having your needs stroked evoke shivers of terror or pleasure? Or both?
When it comes to opening up from this oh-so-tender place, we may become defensive, angry, shut down, hyper-expressive, clingy, pushy or withdrawn.
How fucking human! How achingly awful.
How do we move through this?
We gotta be vulnerable—there is no other way.
And, yes, it's scary.
But, fuck, is it beautiful!
How many of us are actually used to, or even expect, to be heard, held, and validated when we share what we need? Or, let's back-step a moment because that's what dancing is all about! How many of us even know what we need?
If we want to bare ourselves to life, and each other, we need to learn the language of need and how to tend to the triggers that they provoke.
We need to learn how to feel needs—first in ourselves, and to know that they matter. Then we get to learn how to skillfully (or messily), offer them to another.
This requires building trust—as a practice.
And this practice requires willingness to be vulnerable—to get it wrong, fuck it up, and to be raw and real with ourselves and each other.
I'd love to know, dear reader, how do you feel about your own needs? How do you tend to those, in yourself, and be present for the needs of others?
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